Tuesday, February 12, 2013

A "Heaping" Load of Guilt

(Artwork by Kelly Watts 2011)
Do any of you have this problem?  I am talking about the 'feeling guilty' problem.  When you have a Chronic Illness you can't help but to feel guilty; life is happening all around you while you are more than likely stuck in bed.
Guilt is not a nice feeling, it sucks actually.  I feel guilty because most days I am in bed.  I feel guilty because I cannot make my teens breakfast in the morning and get up with them to see them off to school; I can't do all the piles of laundry piling up; I can't do the dishes every day and vacuum the house; I can't work; I can't make my family dinner every night; I can't handle stress... I feel guilty for this and so many other reasons.  I can't... I can't... I can't...
I have learned to set boundaries; to read my body; to know when I am overdoing things (with the help of God and my Hubby knowing me really well).  Even my boys know when I've had enough.  But them knowing I am sick, them knowing I cannot do everything that normal moms can do, them knowing that their Mom just can't... well... it doesn't alleviate the guilt for me.  It's still there.
My Husband calls me beautiful all the time; he tells me he loves me so much; he tells me I am his soul mate and that there is no other woman on the face of this planet that is made for him like I am.  I ask him if he would rather have a 'normal' wife and he loudly proclaims 'NO WAY'!  He says there is no-one more capable of making him laugh than I am.  He see's me through different lenses than I see myself.  I wish I could see through his eyes, through Gods eyes too.
If I look at my life realistically (without all the distortions from the world) I see that there is not much in my control when it comes to what happens in life.  God is in control.  Even though I do not understand why God allows things to happen, why there is so much suffering... I know that He is in full control.  I know that bad things happen to everyone in this world because we live in a 'fallen' imperfect world.  That is the way it is. 
Yes, I have Fibromyalgia.  Yes, I have depression (not as much as I used to that's for sure).  Yes, my joints hurt most days.  All of these are facts about my life... but they aren't all the facts.  I am a Mother, a wife, a friend, a sister, an auntie, a niece and I am beloved by God.  Yes, I feel guilty that I can't be the same as the 'normal' Mom's out there... but then, whose 'normal' anyway? 
I am not completely useless... I mean... I'm writing this blog so that someone else out there will be able to relate to me and not feel so alone.  I create my art so that others might be touched by the messages in them.  God still uses me and I am very blessed.  Life may not be easy or guilt-free, but life is good.
I pray that you will take that guilt inside of you and put it aside, look at your life through the eyes of those who truly love you... then see if that guilt needs to have such a strong hold on your life.
Many hugs and blessings loved ones.
Kelly Watts

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