Monday, February 11, 2013

To Remember Her

(Artwork by Kelly Watts 2010)

To Remember Her
Beat, beat, beating... one more hour... one more day,
unaware of rain or sun, or ever second ticking,
laying still in darkness, drip, drip, dripping,
endless faucet filling,
storms crashing through terrain,
movement bringing only pain,
sending signals to the brain.
Lay here staring up, staring down
changing nothing, not a sound.
Not one more second will eyes open,
fingers extend reaching always to depend;
too dependent is what I am.
There is nothing left to give; to live; to breathe,
nothing left of me to love,
not clean air or sunshine,
summer rains, temperature rising,
no flying off to another place
with lightness of feet and no disgrace.
Nothing will take away the pain,
the loneliness; the bitter shame.
Always wanting, never to give
to those who wish
that I should live.
But live I do,
though inside dying,
smiles on outside,
but inside crying.
Chasm empty, dark, afraid
but calls my name again and again.
Today it ends.
Mother, daughter, wife, friend...
once thought forever...
now... now never.
By Kelly Watts 2010
In 2010 we got word that one of the men's wives from Church had taken her own life.  She didn't go to Church very much.  Later we learned it was because she struggled immensely with Fibromyalgia and depression. 
As soon as I learned of this I took out my art journal and began to draw the above face.  I was consumed with grief... had I just known... maybe there would have been something I could have done; afterall, I was going through exactly the same thing she did.
The face turned very sad and I drew dead tree branches over it, the depth of darkness I was feeling cannot even be explained.  The poem that went with it just flowed out of me as it expressed not only what she was going through but what I struggled with (and continue to struggle with) every single second of every day.
I have HOPE in the Lord; I have STRENGTH in the Lord; I have PEACE in the Lord.  I know that God will NOT give me more than I can handle. 
This lady did not win that battle and it saddens my heart each time I read the poem and see the journal page that came out of it!
WE ARE NOT LOST - WE HAVE HOPE!  If we camp on the Word of the Lord, He is our STRENGTH, HE and HE alone will carry us in the shadow of His wings.
On my 'bad pain' days I say in my head "God will not give me more than I can take, so obviously... I can handle this".  Then I remind myself that this is just one day, tomorrow is a brand new day... and if the pain carries over to tomorrow well there is a brand new day after that!
I will not give up this fight!  I am STRONG in the Lord and so are you.
We can make it, we can run the good race and finish with complete victory because Jesus has already won this battle!
I pray that you think on these things when you feel hopeless, when you feel lonely and lost and desperate.  God will never give you more than you can handle and even though it may not feel like it right now... YOU are HIS beloved.
Many hugs and many blessings fellow FIBROFIGHTERS, Chronic Illness sufferers!
I'm here, right here if you need me.
Kelly Watts


  1. What an absolutely beautiful poem. How tragic for that poor woman and her family. Depression and pain can literally suck the life out of us. Thank goodness we can depend on the Lord to "give us beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning".


    1. They definitely are life suckers. I am so thankful to God for He truly does restore our broken souls. He is the only one who can make the horrible things in our lives beautiful. Thank you Aussiemaven for your words. Blessings to you.

  2. Wow. Brought a tear to my eye. I have been there where the wife was. There seems like no end to the pain and it makes you think " How can I live like this?" It seems unbearable. I remember when my fibro became a permanent fixture in my life ( before it would come and go, or, I would have good days and bad days) and the psychologist would always ask if I had thoughts of suicide as that was a side effect of a medication I was taking. I looked her in the eye and said yes- not because of depression but because I couldn't go on forever in this much pain and living a severely limited life. Of course I don't feel this way now. Art and the right arsenal of meds helps with the coping but the pain is still there.

    1. I know exactly. My heart still cries for that lady. I also know what you mean in regards to being so depressed from living your life in pain every day too. One of the medications I was on gave me extreme suicidal thoughts (Lyrica), I had to go off of it after six months. Living with pain and depression has been the biggest battle of my life but I serve the biggest God of all. He will help us through. He gave us a creative heart that is why art helps us too. I would love to see your art. Art is very healing, the perfect distraction from the pain.
      Blessings to you. Thanks so much for coming by and for sharing your struggle.